Today our baby would have been due. The craziest part for me is that I think I’m the only person that knows this. That is a true testament of what it means to be a mother. You bear most of the grief and physical pain that comes with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I write this with a very grateful heart, a healthy, kicking baby growing inside of me, and a 2 year-old running around playing.

I’ve been back and forth about whether or not to write about this since it is such a private matter. I see more and more people sharing their struggle with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Behind most of the pregnancy announcements and gender reveals, there is usually some sadness. It’s nothing to hide from or be ashamed of. I know that my experience with loss is minimal compared to what most people go through but my hope is that by sharing our story I can help someone else feel a little less alone.

The Ultrasound

After getting a positive pregnancy test, and confirming the pregnancy via bloodwork we went in for our first ultrasound at 7 weeks. The tech couldn’t find a heartbeat and there was only a yolk sac visible (what nourishes the embryo until the placenta forms). She told us that maybe I just wasn’t as far along as I thought and that we were to come back in 10 days. I asked her if we had anything to be worried about and she said no. Honestly I wish she would have told us the truth. Or at least given us the possibilities of what was to come because I spent the next 10 days thinking the baby was fine and we would hear a heartbeat at the next appointment.

The next appointment comes and there is still no heartbeat, no embryo, no baby. What we experienced is called a blighted ovum, or an anembryonic pregnancy, where the embryo never develops, or it develops but it’s reabsorbed into the uterus. It’s the cause of about 50% of first trimester miscarriages. There’s no firm reason as to why this happens but it’s likely due to chromosomal abnormalities. It’s the body’s way of knowing that the baby would not be healthy.

Now What?

My thought as soon as they confirmed this was, “oh gosh, so now what do you have to do to me?” The options were; wait to miscarry on my own, take a pill to induce a miscarriage, or have a D & C. For me, and I’m sure for most, this was the hardest part. Maybe I should be grateful that I was given the choice and could avoid going through the mental and physical pain of having the miscarriage. After a few days and talking to friends who had been through it all, I opted for the D & C. We knew that we wanted to try again as soon as possible so for me this was the best way to move on and quickly.

My biggest fear with the surgery was that maybe there was a chance the baby would be okay. In reality, there was no baby anymore, just an empty sac. I needed to trust the doctors but it was hard. After I woke up from the surgery the first thing I said was, “there was no baby in there, right?” Everyone at the hospital was so amazing and caring. I couldn’t have asked for better care when dealing with something so awful.

Knowing What To Say

It’s okay not to know what to say to someone that has been through this. When I was very newly pregnant a friend of mine shared that him and his wife had just experienced a miscarriage. The words that came out of my mouth were – I’m so sorry, it happens to a lot of people. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Afterwards I felt so awful. How is that supposed to make him feel better?? But once it happened to me I realized it’s hard to know what to say and that’s okay. Just be there for that person in any way you can and sometimes a simple ‘I’m so sorry, I’m here for you if you need anything’ is enough. They’re not looking for justification. There really isn’t any.

Pregnancy After Loss

We were very fortunate to get pregnant again right away and I’m now 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. The first ultrasound was extremely nerve-wracking and just getting through the first trimester was tough. Getting pregnant of course helped me tremendously to move on and getting through today was much easier. Also having friends and family to lean on for advice was very helpful so if you are experiencing a loss and need someone to reach out to, I am here.